at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
