The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I am one with the molecules
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"