Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am one with the molecules
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"