The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.