cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Enjoy the penises
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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