I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
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My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS