so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
