True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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