Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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