Ambien. No doubt about it.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
