My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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