I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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