The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the condom got lost in my hair
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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