1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
