he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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