I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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