Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
