Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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