Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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