Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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