My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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