can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
