im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This show inspires me to have sex in space
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
