um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
