walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
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You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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