two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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