im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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