How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i believe in u and ur pee
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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