Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
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