Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
