How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Who wears a wallet chain?!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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