I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
