mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
