everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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