Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
