Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
