I accidentally had phone sex last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
