Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
