If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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