I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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