Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
