I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
