I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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