I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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