I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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