you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting