dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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