i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.