Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
