Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
