Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
and eventually we just all took our pants off
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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