I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
