I think my vagina is haunted
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
