But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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