i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
