the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
