how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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