Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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