I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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