i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
