My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
