btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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