I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
