She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
