I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
