I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
