so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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