He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
