I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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