I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
