I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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