Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
